Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Tales From the Kingdom: First Post

An exciting title for my first post as you can see... haha! I've set this up so that I can have somewhere to vent my frustrations, which at the moment are massive.

I have made a HUGE mistake in choosing my career. I wanted to become a teacher, but have subsequently discovered that it just isn't for me: I don't feel like I'm any good at it, and I feel like I'm doing my pupils a disservice by continuing, when they could be benefitting from someone who is better at their job.

Fellow teachers at the school have told me they see great potential in me, that I show some real strengths as a teacher. And maybe I do. However, every day I walk into the school building, I am filled with sheer terror, anxiety and dread over what lies ahead. That isn't right at all. A teacher should walk into school, feeling at least a little confident about the day ahead, and be capable of seeing the exciting possibilites and challenges of working with young people. The pupils I work with are lovely, if slightly mental, there's no faulting them. They deserve a teacher who can get the best from them, and that isn't me.

At the moment, that isn't the worst part, it's trying to make everyone else understand how I feel (or at least try). My parents seem more concerned with how I'm going to provide for myself if I quit, which is a legitimate worry, but at the moment my main worry is regaining some of my sanity and happiness. My friends (on the whole) want me to be happy, but I know there are some who just won't get it. The people who will say: "But you really enjoyed your training year, what's so different now?" The truth is, I don't even know if I really did enjoy my training year or not. I try to think of times where I felt like I accomplished something on my course last year, and nothing really springs to mind. I scraped through and that was it.

My amazing boyfriend, however, comes closest to understanding (outside of teaching that is). He has seen me in pits of despair, crying every morning before leaving for work, crying myself to sleep when I come home, and he always tries to cheer me up and help. But I think even he, the most understanding and genuine person I've ever known, will get tired of mopping up my tears and trying to boost my confidence every time I break down. It's not exactly fair on him, I mean I never used to be perfect, but I used to be so much more positive than this, and I think he deserves to get the real me back.

I'd been advised to seek medical help, in order to give me the time I need to make my decision, but the doctors I've spoken to have been worse than useless. They don't see my stress and subsequent illness as requiring medical help, and have pretty much only told me to "man up". The only people who seem to understand are my fellow teachers, who I know will support me no matter what I decide.  In this whole situation, this is what stresses me the most.

It feels as though no matter what I decide I'm going to let someone down, whether it's my pupils, my family, or even myself.

Don't worry bloggers and viewers, my hope is that the next time I post something I will be feeling much better, and will be slowly regaining a sense of self that I feel I've lost in the last month or two.

Trying to be positive,

ironic_sparkles xoxo 

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